Why Do We Fight? Understanding Common Relationship Arguments
Relationship Arguments, whether new or long-standing, are often a delicate balance of love, understanding, and negotiation. Yet, even the strongest bonds can be tested by seemingly ordinary questions—questions about money, intimacy, family, and daily habits. It’s not the questions themselves but how we address them that shapes our connections. Let’s explore these common relationship dynamics through the lens of a single hypothetical couple, Rahul and Aarti, whose experiences offer lessons applicable to all of us.
Rahul and Aarti have been married for five years. While they love each other deeply, their relationship faces a fair share of challenges—some as routine as deciding who does the dishes and others as profound as grappling with job insecurity. Here’s how their story intertwines with the key questions many couples face:
1. What do we spend the money on?
Study after study shows that the two biggest things couples argue about are money and intimacy. Should we really spend so much on renovating the house again? Are we sending our child to a nearby government school or an expensive private one charging ₹3-4 lakhs a year? Was it necessary to buy yet another kurta at that sale?
How you choose to spend money—and when—reflects your values and priorities. Interestingly, the most common couple dynamic in India is when one partner is a saver while the other is a spender. Savers and spenders are naturally drawn to each other, but it often leads to disagreements later on. From debates over contributing to family functions and weddings to decisions on saving for a dream home or splurging on a big-screen TV, this financial mismatch is a common source of tension.
Example: Rahul is a saver, meticulously tracking their expenses, while Aarti loves indulging in experiences like dining out and shopping for their home. Their disagreements peak when they must choose between saving for their dream home and spending on a lavish vacation. Through open discussions, they learn to prioritize by allocating separate budgets for savings and discretionary spending.
2. How often do we have sex?
A “desire discrepancy” occurs when one partner in a relationship desires sex more frequently than the other, according to couples therapists. It’s a typical problem in long-term relationships and marriages. At its worst, it can turn into a sexless union (see the great TEDx lecture, The Sex-Starved Marriage).
Example: Rahul feels they don’t connect enough, while Aarti is often too tired after work. Realizing they have a minor “desire discrepancy,” they create moments for intimacy that aren’t just about physical closeness but emotional bonding too, like evening walks and long conversations.
3. Were you just flirting with her/him?
jealousy. It’s bound to come up in one way or another if you’re both genuinely into each other.
“Why are you still friends with your ex on Facebook?” is another way to frame this argument.
Example: At a party, Aarti jokes with a male colleague, sparking Rahul’s jealousy. Instead of letting resentment fester, they discuss Rahul’s feelings. Aarti reassures him by being transparent about her friendships, and Rahul works on expressing his insecurities without blame.
4. Who’s doing the dishes?
Having to share home duties can be stressful, particularly if there are unclear expectations. Who removes the trash? Who is responsible for the finances? Who handles domestic tasks like phoning the plumber (and who will be at home from work to greet him)?
According to Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, “One person almost always feels like they’re carrying more of the load than the other” when it comes to household duties.
As soon as you move in together, the best course of action is to have a direct discussion regarding domestic duties. Decide on responsibilities and observe the results. Have another conversation if it’s not working. Be proactive and don’t be scared to ask specific questions, such as if putting in a new bag is part of taking out the garbage.
Example: Household chores often feel uneven, with Aarti believing she’s doing more. They decide to list out all tasks and divide them fairly. This simple act of sharing responsibilities becomes a game-changer for their relationship arguments balance.
5. Why do you have to [drink] so much?
Additionally, you could smoke, play video games, watch Netflix, or engage in any other behavior that negatively affects your relationship arguments.
Every person in a committed relationship eventually wishes their partner would take action or cease taking action.
Example: Rahul’s weekend habit of drinking with friends irritates Aarti, who wishes they’d spend more time together. Rahul compromises by limiting his outings, and they create new rituals, like Saturday morning hikes, to strengthen their bond.
6. Are you mad at me? (Are we OK?)
Anger management skills often come from your birth family. Both partners may exhibit similar anger patterns, which can improve through open dialogue.
Perhaps the most important relationship skill you can have is the ability to express your frustration and then have a conversation about how to fix it. According to one study, long-term happiness was even higher for couples who were able to express their anger honestly early on in their relationship.
Example: Both tend to avoid confrontations, leading to passive-aggressive behavior. After a heated argument, they agree to express their frustrations honestly and resolve them without delay, significantly improving their communication.
7. When are you going to get another job?
It is a stressful experience to lose or quit a job. And at some point in your relationship, it’s very likely to happen to one or both of you.
It can be difficult for the other partner to balance being positive and supporting when one partner loses their job. Although you want to show empathy, there can be money issues that need to be resolved as well.
Example: Rahul loses his job, and the financial pressure strains their relationship. Aarti supports him emotionally but also ensures they have a clear plan for managing expenses until he finds work, avoiding undue stress.
8. What are you doing on your phone?
Technology social media thinking while distracted. These are the results of a world that is always connected, and they have a direct effect on relationships.
Being neglected while your lover is using their phone while you are together can be an unpleasant experience.
To prevent this and safeguard their time together, some couples set restrictions (e.g., no phones at the dinner table, no phones after 9 p.m., no phones when talking in the car, etc.). Astute.
Example: Rahul’s habit of scrolling through social media at the dinner table annoys Aarti. They decide on a “no phones at meals” rule, which brings more attention and warmth to their interactions.
9. Where are we spending Diwali? (Do we have to go to your parents’ again?)
In Indian relationships, the role of family and extended relatives is deeply significant—and often challenging. Festivals like Diwali, Holi, or Eid are particularly tricky because where you celebrate impacts not just the two of you, but also your parents, in-laws, grandparents, and sometimes even extended family.
Deciding where to spend these occasions often sparks broader questions about family boundaries: “When your family visits, how long should they stay?” “Do they stay with us, or should we book them a guesthouse?” “How much time should we devote to their visit versus our own routines?” Balancing the expectations of multiple generations while maintaining your own space can be one of the biggest tests of a relationship.
Example: Family visits become a recurring conflict, with both feeling torn between their respective parents’ expectations. They start alternating festivals between their families, making everyone feel valued while reducing the stress of unequal visits.
Conclusion:
Therefore, Rahul and Aarti’s story showed that, in order to get over different obstacles in the relationship, a couple needs to keep the lines open; respect one another; and, finally, make concessions. Consequently, these questions, many of which seem to be simple, have the potential of either building or damaging relationships depending on how they are addressed. When both partners meet these challenges, conflict resolution can positively transform into something that strengthens the bond of the couple.
Concerning the last few points, I want to state that if you and your partner have similar problems you mustn’t face them together leaving you alone. Happy Lab existing counselors are selected based on their proficiency of helping couples develop a better understanding of themselves and others to restore peace in their relationships. It is about communication, conflict, or just reigniting the flame of passion, we will be there for you. Come in to Happy Lab now and get in touch with the first seed of long term health and happily ever after you and your partner have always desired.
